From kit mishaps to botched punts, to a depressing number of 2-0 final scores; GH’s writers discuss the moments of Peak Britball they’ve encountered over the years.
We here at Gridiron Hub love Britball. You’d be forgiven for assuming otherwise given the amount of “Britball’s a bit shit, isn’t it?” content we (OK, it’s mostly me) put out there, but being a bit shit is really all part of the charm.
Anyway, partly due to this shared love of our own incompetence and partly because it’s cheaper than therapy, we shared our stories to see who had the best Peak Britball moment.
Listen, we’ve seen some real shit and we need to tell you about it. That’s all this is. We’ll all feel a lot better for it. And so;
Getting dressed is hard
“We had a rookie kitting up for his first game and he put his game shirt on… then his pads on top. He had buckled himself up before anyone said anything, and the only response he could manage was “Well I don’t know, do I?”.. despite everyone else around him doing it correctly.”– Steve
Punting the ball forwards is hard
“In my first year of Uni balling, I was part of a Brighton squad who would be playing in the newly formed Prem South following an undefeated season the year prior. Unfortunately, the core of that undefeated team all graduated, so we were facing some of the best teams in the country with a squad formed mostly of rookies with no football experience whatsoever.
In a season of 60- and 70-point fistings, one moment still stands out. Miraculously, going into the 6th game of the season our relegation wasn’t yet assured. We’d only lost the reverse fixture at Imperial 12-6 (and only because a would-be-game-winning kick return TD was called back! For taunting! Which is already incredibly Britball!), so a win by 6+ points would be enough to escape relegation.
The game was a defensive slugfest with neither offense able to move the ball. In the third quarter, Brighton were backed up around our own 10-yard line and held to another punt. The punter got the ball away, it was a high kick, but one that definitely, definitely started out moving forwards.
Once it reached its cruising altitude of about 30,000 feet though, a gust of wind caught the punt and blew it violently backwards out of the back of our own endzone.
After the referees had a brief meeting to discuss what on earth had just happened and what that meant, they awarded a safety. Imperial won 2-0, and we got relegated. A game in which the only points were scored by a gust of wind? Essentially losing a sporting contest to some wind, which isn’t even an actual physical opponent, it’s just some fast air? Peak, Peak Britball.”– Jon
Your mate’s dad is Hard, but, like, more in the ‘will stab you’ sense of the word
“Back in a Juniors game, my mate’s Dad got carried away and threatened to stab the ref. We got a 15-yard penalty and he was ‘ejected’ from the ‘stadium’.
He then just went to the opposition sideline and yelled abuse from there.”– Hatcher
Scoring points after a 5am start and 6 hours on a coach is hard; which, honestly, yeah, fair enough.
“This happened in the 1st season of Aberystwyth being placed into Division 2A South-West – side note, a crime in itself! Naturally, this game is an away game for Bournemouth.
We take the 6-hour odd coach journey there in the early hours of the morning, shut out their offense, and lose 2-0 to a safety on a high snap. Doesn’t get any more Britball.”– Dan G
Punting: still hard
“I was watching Loughborough @ Nottingham Trent the other weekend, it was 0-0 in the 3rd quarter, and Lboro were out to punt.
The long snapper puts it over the head of the punter and into the end zone, but the punter recovers it and attempts to punt, has it blocked by the only Trent player within 30 yards of him and then it gets recovered for a TD.
Shame it didn’t finish 6-0 otherwise it would’ve been peak BritBall. (NTU ultimately won 21-0)”– Simon
Getting dressed: Hard again, but this time it’s because it’s… in a tent? (Also??? tent: optional????)
“There was a time when visiting teams to the Warriors didn’t have use of any changing facilities besides a large tent.
The National Champions making their opposition get changed in a tent is already very Britball. Then, when we were there once the tent just fucking blew away.”– Hatcher
Getting people to stop being mean about you on the internet: hard
“The National Governing Body spending circa £60k trying to sue a Memes page!”– Jordan
Listen, cancel your plans and instead spend the next hour digesting the following sentence:
“The Knottingley Raiders burning their lines into their field rather than painting them.”– Dave
Whoa hold up, what the fuck? This is metal as all hell. Taking a very, very simple task and instead doing it with FIRE, which is not only dangerous but also incredibly unsuited to the task at hand? Imagine how long this took. Did they use a professional fire wrangler or just a nutcase with a flamethrower? This is fucking great. Retroactively award Knottingley all of the Britbowls.
The Warriors have a big tent for you to get your dick out in. The Raiders have a field LITERALLY FORGED BY FLAMES. Come on. Come on.
What article about incompetence would be complete without at least one mention of our faves?
“Hastings turning up to Pompey without their game Jerseys and having to use our away ones. That same game their kicker pulled his hammy in warmups by kicking the ground and another player gave himself concussion in the training sheds getting changed. Hopeless cunts.”– Oz
In conclusion – punts are dangerous and a terrible idea and we should all stop doing them. Getting dressed is difficult and you should never try it. Games finishing 2-0 is Bad and should result in fines for all involved.
The fire thing though? That’s my jam. (Quick disclaimer: I’ve not googled to check whether the whole of Knottingley burned down as a consequence, so if that happened then, sure, file it under ‘bad’ as well. )
Think you can top these moments? Let us know. Remember, talking about it is the first step towards recovery.