Remember when there was an election and that woman went viral saying “Oh bloody ‘ell! Another one?!” Imagine that, but she’s talking about mock drafts.
Anyway, this one is mine and has been thrown together at the last minute, therefore is Very Good; not to be confused with all of the other mock drafts which are, naturally, Very Bad.
#1, Arizona Cardinals
Nick Bosa, DE, Ohio State
Consensus round the league has Arizona taking Kyler Murray here, but the smarter move is to stick with Rosen, who cost them a high draft pick only a year ago (with an underwhelming rookie year under his belt, yes, but; *gestures vaguely in the direction of Jared Goff*). Bosa is the best football player in the draft.
And besides, if the Cardinals do the smart thing, it means someone else gets to do the dumb thing. And thus:
#2, Oakland Raiders (via trade with San Francisco)
Kyler Murray, QB, Oklahoma
Oakland under Gruden have been a goldmine of moves that make no real sense, trading away young stars Khalil Mack and Amari Cooper in exchange for high draft picks, then hiring a TV analyst as GM, before last week dismissing all of their scouts right before the day all their work has been leading up to.
So it makes absolutely zero sense that Oakland ship the #4 selection plus maybe a second or third rounder to San Francisco to move up for a quarterback – a position of relative strength already – and so it will 100% definitely happen if Gruden gets the chance.
#3, New York Jets
Quinnen Williams, DL, Alabama
The Jets will continue drafting imposing interior linemen in the top 5 until the heat death of the universe, because why fix your problems when you can just “Best Player Available” your way back to 4-12?
#4, San Francisco 49ers (via trade with Oakland)
Josh Allen, Edge, Kentucky
San Francisco are very good at the whole trading-back-a-few-spots-at-the-top-of-the-draft-and-still-landing-the-player-they-wanted-anyway game, sending the #2 pick across the Bay and still landing the draft’s best option for their glaring hole on the edge. Josh Allen is dope and I love him, so it’s a real shame that he’s cursed to the same fate which befell Solomon Thomas before him; immediate mediocrity.
#5, Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Dwayne Haskins, QB, Ohio State
Literally 100% of the people in the world expected the Bucs to take Derwin James with their first-round pick last year as they had a giant weak spot at safety and James was the clear top player at the position. Who did they pick instead? I have genuinely no idea. James went to the Pro Bowl as a rookie with the Chargers. The Bucs are dumb.
Anyway, they fuck everyone’s plans all the way up here by picking Jameis Winston’s replacement instead of a DB again. This move: actually way less dumb, because Haskins is the best passer in the class.
#6, New York Giants
Montez Sweat, DE, Mississippi State
Fully expect the Giants to go ahead and try and draft Haskins here because they weren’t paying attention. They desperately need a QB despite all the lip service being paid to Eli Manning by the coaching staff and front office. Haskins would be the perfect fit. It all makes sense. I did say the Bucs were throwing spanners in multiple sets of works.
There’s a good possibility that they panic draft Drew Lock when they realise Haskins is gone but I’m giving the benefit of the doubt and saying that they panic draft combine standout Montez Sweat instead.
#7, Jacksonville Jaguars
Jawaan Taylor, OT, Florida
O Line picks are boring but generally safe, which is something that the Jags will want to see a bit more of in a post-Bort world.
#8, Detroit Lions
Greedy Williams, CB, LSU
Williams has been sliding up and down draft boards all offseason as questions circle around his consistency. Fortunately, Detroit hate consistency and take him here, filling a team need with big play ability and an elite name.
#9, Miami Dolphins (via trade with Buffalo)
Drew Lock, QB, Missouri
Miami need a QB but sit behind potential QB drafters in both Denver and Cincinnati, so they trade up here, shipping the #13 pick and something like a future second-rounder to take Lock, who will provide them with 6 more years of Tannehill calibre quarterbacking.
Sorry, Dolfans. But to be fair, you deserve it for calling yourselves “Dolfans”. Get a grip.
#10, Denver Broncos
Devin… Smith? Bush? Which is the LSU one? I’m not gonna Google it, you Google it., LB, LSU
The Broncos need an interior linebacker and the athletic Devin The-LSU-One is the prototypical modern ILB. Very simple pick. Just don’t accidentally draft the Michigan one! He’s not as good!
#11, Cincinnati Bengals
TJ Hockenson, TE, Iowa
The last time Cincy were relevant, they had Tyler Eifert catching touchdowns for fun from the Tight End spot. In an attempt to reclaim these glory days, the Bengals go for all-rounder Hockenson here. Long may the Andy Dalton era continue.
#12, Green Bay Packers
Jonah Williams, OL, Alabama
Is it a bird? Is it a plane? Is it a tackle? Is it a guard? At least two of these are questions which have been asked about Williams. Green Bay’s O-Line sucks, so whatever breed of man-bird-airplane hybrid Williams is, he will be welcomed by Aaron Rodgers and his increasingly gimpy knees.
#13, Buffalo Bills (via trade with Miami)
Cody Ford, OT, Oklahoma
A good way to describe offensive linemen is to say that they’re a “real blue-collar guy” because nobody knows what it really means and therefore can’t tell you you’re an idiot for saying it. With that in mind, Ford is a real blue-collar guy.
#14, Atlanta Falcons
Ed Oliver, DT, Houston
Oliver was talked about as a potential #1 overall pick last summer before an inconsistent season marred by dispute with his coaching staff. He’s undeniably talented and will add a disruptive presence to the Atlanta front.
In 2019, Washington are seriously still out here employing serial domestic abusers and rolling with a super racist name, so they’re not allowed a draft pick! Don’t look at me! I’m not the one refusing to change the super racist name of my football team! Stop being trash, Washington!
#16, Carolina Panthers
Brian Burns, Edge, Florida State
The Panthers need a pass rusher and Brian Burns is a pass rusher. I don’t have anything to say about this because I truly do not care about all of these 7-9 teams.
In the interests of ‘professionalism’… Maybe he has a high motor? Maybe he needs to work on his pad level? You don’t know, do you? And now none of us care. Job done. Next!
#17, New York Giants (via trade with Cleveland)
Johnathan Abram, S, Mississippi State
Landon Collins is gone now, so the Giants need a safety. Johnathan Abram is a versatile box safety who is nonetheless indirectly partly responsible for years of my name being spelled wrong in birthday cards. He’s lucky not to drop out of the first round for that alone.
#18, Minnesota Vikings
Andre Dillard, OT, Washington State
If I had to pick a part of a piece of clothing to best describe Dillard, it would probably be a collar. A blue one.
#19, Tennessee Titans
Rashan Gary, DL, Michigan
Gary is a physical freak who has slipped off the radar of many teams due to slightly less than stellar production in college. Tennessee have a pretty good roster all round and can afford to roll the dice on Gary’s potential.
#20, Pittsburgh Steelers
Byron Murphy, CB, Washington
The Steelers’ secondary is bad. Murphy is the surest bet at CB in the draft.
#21, New England Patriots (via trade with Seattle)
Noah Fant, TE, Iowa
Frat bros worldwide poured one out this offseason as alpha douche Rob Gronkowski finally hung up his cleats to pursue a post-NFL career in – I’m assuming, here – shoving nerds into their lockers and to totally fingerbanging Sadie after prom, swear to god, bros, swear to god.
The Pats aren’t ones to usually trade up, but Seattle have such a raging hard on for trading out of their first round picks that they probably wouldn’t have to sacrifice much to move up 11 spots and get a replacement at TE.
#22, Baltimore Ravens
Devin “No, the Michigan One”, we’re gonna go with; Bush, LB, Michigan
It’s the Michigan one! He’s not as good!
#23, Houston Texans
Christian Wilkins, DT, Clemson
Wilkins is too good to drop this far but this draft is stacked for D-Linemen. Texans pair him with Jadeveon Clowney and JJ Watt to form a defensive front that scientists would refer to as “fuckin’ scary”.
#24, Oakland Raiders (via trade with the Bears)
DK Metcalf, WR, Ole Miss
DK Metcalf is very fast in a straight line and is fucking jacked, and I’m pretty sure that’s all you need to be an elite wide receiver. Why has nobody taken him yet? What do you mean “severely sub-par agility”? What does “limited route tree” mean? “Injury concerns”??? I’m sure it will be fine, Raiders fans. It will all be fine.
#25, Philadelphia Eagles
Dexter Lawrence, DT, Clemson
Stick him on the line next to Fletcher Cox and watch them wreak havoc.
#26, Indianapolis Colts
Rock Ya-Sin, CB, Temple
Rock Ya-Sin sounds like the name of a ‘cool’ Christian camp where the pastor has an electric guitar.
#27, Oakland Raiders (via trade with Dallas)
Josh Jacobs, RB, Alabama
Alabama’s 3rd string running back in the first round? With the infamous reputation that Bama RBs already have in the pros? You can call that a Gruden Guarantee™.
#28, Los Angeles Chargers
Deandre Baker, CB, Georgia
Viewed by some as a top-10 talent and by some as a mid-rounder, LA have a strong enough roster to spend a luxury pick on Baker, who would step in for the departed Jason Verrett as a starting corner on their Injured Reserve XI.
#29, Seattle Seahawks (via trade with Kansas City)
Clelin Ferrell, DE, Clemson
Despite having a name which experts are describing as “made up”, the Seahawks gratefully accept Ferrell as a capable replacement for Frank Clark, who stole his name from an unsuspecting accountant.
#30, Green Bay Packers (via trade with New Orleans)
Daniel Jones, QB, Duke
We’ve seen this one before, where Green Bay takes the eventual successor to their Hall of Fame quarterback with what is essentially a free pick late in the first round.
Fortunately, it went very well last time and nobody got their feelings hurt.
#31, Los Angeles Rams
Chris Lindstrom, OL, Boston College
Rams have the best roster in the league, but reinforcement on the O Line never hurts. Coincidentally, Lindstrom is another real blue-collar type of guy.
#32, Seattle Seahawks (via trade with New England)
Garrett Bradbury, C, N.C. State
A capable interior lineman in the first round? For Seattle? A man can dream.