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This Month in Britball – August 2019

Yeah – listen, yeah. I get it. Middle of September already, isn’t it? Remember August? You do not remember August and neither do I. So why, now, is this August retrospective only just being posted? 

We can do the honest answers (I was on holiday and forgot) or we can do Britball answers (it’s BAFA’s fault).

Yes, BAFA scheduled the Britbowl on the 1st September, which I’m pretty sure they did purely to fuck with the format of this two-editions-deep column.

And so. Welcome to This Month; And Also One Day Of The Following Month, Fuck Off Am I Doing A Whole September One Which Just Says “Well Done To The Warriors”, Obviously; In Britball:

The Birmingham Bulls lost a playoff game to Inverclyde, which isn’t a real place.

Sorry, I don’t make the rules here (I do), but anything further north than Watford basically doesn’t exist unless they’ve got a proper football team or do £2.50 Quad Vods. So we start with the Div 2 North playoffs, which is possibly the least glamorous the sport can possibly get.

Birmingham were supposedly ‘D1 quality’ (which is a weird thing to brag about, you don’t see me bragging about how my writing is ‘picture book quality’) but instead of getting promoted they lost to the Inverclyde Goliaths, who were an association team a year ago, and also come from a place which – as established – is fictional. I know all the good players from Birmingham Uni go and play for the ‘Nix, but really? Second biggest city in the UK and y’all lost to fuckin’ Balamory.

Reactions have been pretty consistent from outside of Birmingham, ranging from “lol, the Bulls suck” to “och aye I told ye to no underestimate the Scots wae our big porridge strength an our incredibly dry Tweets wae thousands of likes fae some reason am no gonny tell ye again och aye tartan bagpipes stereotypes haggis”

Can we talk about the South, please? It’s the good bit.

South Wales Warriors are pricks; win D2 South anyway

You’ve all seen the video by now, of noted bar strangler, #85 trying to brick Blitz B’s quarterback with not one, not two, but four increasingly cheap shots after the play was whistled dead. BAFA, BAFRA, the SWW coaching staff and #85’s teammates have all ensured that the player responsible will face consequences just as harsh as when the footage surfaced of him choking a woman unconscious in a bar did, which is to say, absolutely fuck all.

SWW, and (to the best of my knowledge, #85) were still welcomed with open arms into the ensuing D2 South final, where they saw off the Bobcats for the most prized championship of all, a regional third tier bowl win.

Shockingly, some rules nerds are saying that technically the QB is pretending to be a runner and you can hit them even if they haven’t got the ball. I know this is Div 2 and reaction times aren’t anybody’s strong point, but if the play was whistled dead 10 minutes ago and the QB is now on the sideline enjoying a refreshing VK® (still waiting on that sponsorship, lads), you can’t just drill him head first, obviously. Consider, also, rules nerds, that #85 would definitely beat you up and steal your lunch money if he saw you poring over the NCAA Refereeing handbook like this.

Listen, SWW, I don’t want to have to rag on your program. I could bring up the time that you took a tactical voluntary relegation because the Prem was too scary and then immediately went 0-10 in Div 1, but I won’t, even though it is incredibly funny. But seriously, ditch the strangler.

Yes, the Warriors won the Britbowl again. Are we surprised?

From the moment the Warriors dropped 40+ on the Blitz in Week 3 the season was pretty much over, especially once the Titans upset the ‘Nix at their ground. However, the Phoenix didn’t lie down and die, instead electing to troll the Warriors with onside kicks, misdirection and blocked punts – keeping the game interesting at least through 3 quarters.

King among their troll moves, however, was the decision to turn up in matching outfits. The Warriors broke out a fancy light grey/black combo for the final, so the ‘Nix turned up in a white & black look. Hope none of you are colour blind, because I was just hungover and it was difficult enough for me to tell who was who.

Regardless, congratulations to the Warriors for having a roster so physically dominant that you basically don’t need to try all year, and commiserations to the Nix for bringing a brilliantly schemed and executed gameplan for nothing.

Quickfire Positives:

  • Proper coverage of the British game? EKP’s U-19s coach on a BBC sport ident, then the big Sunday double header was streamed on BBC Sport as well. Big up to Onside Productions making big things happen.
  • GB’s Women’s team were unlucky to finish runners up in the Euros on a points differential, but they can hold their heads up high as their future looks bright.
  • Solent Thrashers going properly undefeated, will give them some confidence heading into the Prem South next season, at least until their first trip to London.

This was going to be the end of our heady summer of retrospective content, but you lot have really pulled your fingers out, RE: misappropriations of club funds this month, so expect us to ride that wave right through to the Uniball season. See you in.. shit, 11 days?

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