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Day one of a weird game. You’ve seen it on the telly, huge fellas knocking lumps out of each other for three and a half hours, but you don’t really know what’s happening. All you know is that at some point, you’ve got to get into the mix and start hitting or being hit and that it’ll most likely hurt.

You’ve been handed a helmet that kinda fits so long as you don’t move your head and some shoulder pads that smell like wet dog. You went out yesterday and bought some Sondico football boots from Sports Direct and a gumshield that you stirred in a mug of boiling water for 5 seconds, blew on, waved about a bit and chomped down on. It kinda fits in that it doesn’t.

Okay, so that’s head sorted, shoulders, but what about your legs? You remember back in primary school, one of the bigger boys booted you in the shin and it really really f**king hurt. Do you wear your shinnies to training or not?

Leave it to old Frank to answer that for you.

No.

Just no.

I spoke to over fifty people and the resounding response was that if you see someone wearing shin pads, do them a favour and tell them to remove them for fear of the rest of the squad loading up the rifles and getting the blindfold out.

Phrases such as ‘A more suitable punishment would be to tie them to the front of a cannon and blast them into eternity’, ‘Get that anti-swag off the field’, ‘This is a deportation level of punishment TBH this isn’t soccer’ and ‘They should be hung and quartered for such an offence’.

Personally, Frank thinks that this might be a little extreme, but if you should come across someone wearing shin pads that isn’t absolutely brand new to the sport, point and laugh boys and girls, point and laugh.

Frank.

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