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Frank investigates the phenomenon taking over Britball that everyone loves, bicep bands, asking the tough questions so you don’t have to!

Photo credit: John Torcasio

Hiya folks, Frank Schmyder here, asking all the important Britball questions so you don’t have to. 

Swag comes in all forms on the pitch; fancy boots, half sleeves, unnecessarily chromed pieces of kit, but one thing that unites all swag monsters – bicep bands. 

Nike, Under Armour, Adidas and even Battle (whoever they are?) offer their own version of the bicep bands on EP Sports, they even have their own dedicated page on the website. A click on the Nike version and you’ll find ‘Stay dry and comfortable on the field or court…Moves moisture away from your skin, keeping you cool, relaxed and focused on your game.’

Just half an inch of advertisement on some sock cloth on your upper arm (or calf if you’re going full captain extreme) and your entire body is kept dry, comfortable, cool, relaxed and focused. I’ve heard stories of 5% increase in athleticism per bicep band, with no upper limit on performance enhancement. 

This could be why of the 50 people I spoke to, 19 said that there should be no limit to the number of bicep bands that could be worn. Those who believed a limit should be set, answered between a range of 9 quintillion and 90. 

Taking 90 as an example, with 30 per arm and 15 per calf, a player could have an increase in performance of 450%. So, should a mediocre player be able to justify £404.55 on bicep bands, by this logic; forget the gym, balls to film study, don’t even bother with training, just pick an NFL team and turn up demanding a seven figure sum. 

Or…they could just be bits of cloth aimed to show off your ‘guns’ with the sports brand logo on so you can show off that you’ve spent your hard earned cash on something to show your upper arm muscles off instead of just spending the extra 5 minutes in the gym doing some curls/ extensions, which is why 17 people said one was plenty. 

But this is not the place for this guy to have an opinion on anything…

Okay, it is. They’re a load of old bollocks. Save your money and do your team mates a favour- spend it on shower gel so you don’t smell like arse on the coach on the way back from the game. 

Controversial is my middle name. Francis Controversial Schmyder. 

For more hot takes on all things Britball, stick with Gridiron Hub!

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