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In part two of this three-part series, I’m going to delve into the British locker room. A safe haven for all players to relax before and after a game. Just don’t leave your stuff in there because it will get stolen. 

CHANGING ROOMS

It’s a rare thing to find any changing rooms that are fit for purpose in the UK. Most places aren’t equipped to fit two full-sized American Football teams and all their gear. Especially when people bring those bloody great kit bags that look like a bodybag on wheels.

THE BROOM CUPBOARD

You’ve finally arrived at the venue and you’re now ready to get kitted up and start getting into the zone. You see the sign that says “Visitors” on the changing room door and you begin to push it open. The door only opens halfway until it hits someone on the back, it’s at this point you realise it’s absolutely rammed. 

Pic Credit: therugbyref.co.uk

Dozen of hefty bastards are squeezed into this one small room like sardines in a tin. Before any of your teammates greet you, you are met with a huge waft of warm shit as one of the linebackers has already curled out a serpent in the khazi. There’s nowhere to sit down and you can hardly even see the floor through all the pads and jerseys. It’s an absolute free for all, people are even getting dressed in the showers.

Don’t worry though the linemen all seem to have a seat! Even when they are fully dressed they refuse to move outside just in case they have to start doing some drills. 

THE NATURIST

Naturally, this is plan B if the above situation isn’t for you. You just find a spot near your car or outside the clubhouse and get dressed there. Some old Doris and her kids are bound to come out of nowhere when you bend down to put your jockstrap on so be vigilant. You could even save time and just get ready over on the field. There’s even a toilet there too it’s called the bush, Just make sure it’s not a number 2 yeah. 

Pic Cedit: Istockphoto.com

“I actually remember playing at London Warriors a few years back and having to get changed outside in a tent. Was absolute scenes when it started to blow away in the wind. True story.”

THE DREAM

This is really just a fantasy for most of us. A spacious, clean changing room with a good bit of music. Multiple toilets available so it doesn’t matter how many get blocked up with pre-game poo’s. There might even be toilet paper and soap here too! A lovely choice of seating so you don’t have to get changed next to that overly hairy teammate who’s ass crack is always on display. Sprinkle in a couple of massage tables and were laughing. We should all be treated like the professionals that we are not. 

Pic Credit: Jacksonville.com

SHOWERS

The shower situation up and down the country is an absolute lottery. I quite enjoy watching teammates speed-walking back to the clubhouse when they know there’s only a few available.

THE PISS TRICKLE

You’ve just finished a 4-quarter battering and the team talks are done. You’re absolutely covered in mud and sores and you just want to shower and go home. You tiptoe into the shower room like it’s from the set from a horror movie. You stand directly under the showerhead, turn it on and It’s the most pathetic thing on earth. Not only is it ridiculously low pressure but there’s no hot water. For a minute you feel like an inmate at HMP Belmarsh, it’s just an absolute shit show. Watch out for the standard ginormous spider perving in the corner too. 

Pic Credit: shutterstock.com

THE JETWASH

This shower is the polar opposite to the last one. Not only will this bugger get all the mud off but it may take a layer of skin too. It can only come out 100mph and the only temperature setting is just shy of boiling! There’s more steam here than there is coming out of the Hogwarts Express. If you listen closely you can even hear the discarded pubes sizzling near the drain.

Pic Credit: Anne Greenwood

THE SHOWER IN A CAN

Sometimes when it’s that bad you’ve just got to make do until you get back to your home comforts. Not recommended for anyone travelling back on the team bus as you may get thrown off before you’ve even hit the motorway. Always be suspicious of anyone who emerges from the changing rooms too quickly, as they have definitely just drowned themselves in Lynx Africa and a splash of Joop. 

Pic Credit: dailymail.co.uk

THE CUBICLE

This is the dream scenario for any wanting to freshen up without having to look at lineman sausage. Your own VIP booth provides you with a nice bit of privacy and a few minutes to reflect on the game in peace. Just don’t start touching yourself over that play you made on Special Teams! 

Pic Credit: cubiclesystems.co.uk

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